Holiday Jokes: Christmas

Q: How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
A: Only one – after that it’s not empty any more

Q: Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A: Because it’s in Decembrrrrrr

Q: When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary

Q: What do sheep say to each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to ewe

Q: Who says oh, oh, oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards

Q: Who delievers Christmas presents to cats?
A: Santa Claws

Q: What Christmas carol do they sing in the dessert?
A: Camel ye fathful

Q: What color Christmas candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
A: Neither – candles always burn shorter.

Q: What was the elf allergic to?
A: Sh-ELF-ish

Q: Which Christmas carol do parents like the most?
A: Silent Night

Q: What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A: A pineapple

Q: What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door

Q: What did the lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?
A: Sandy claws

Q: Why does Santa do in his garden?
A: He hoe hoe hoes

Q: What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas version has no L (noel)

Q: What do zombies put on their Christmas turkey?
A: Grave-y

Q: What kind of music do elves listen to?
A: Wrap

Q: Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A: They both drop needles

Q: What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
A: Snow

Q: What song do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle bells.

Q: What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
A: Santa Clues

Q: What is the #1 Christmas present?
A: A broken drum – you can’t beat it

Q. What rains at the North Pole?
A. Reindeer

Q. Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
A. RUDE-olph

Q. What is green, white, and red all over?
A. A sunburned elf

Q. What did the cow say on Christmas morning?
A. Mooooey Christmas

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve

Q: What did the reindeer sing to Santa on his birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow

Q: Why is a burning Christmas candle like being thirsty?
A: Because a little water ends both of them

Holiday Jokes: Halloween

Q: What do they teach in witching school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Which musical instrument do skeletons play?
A: Trom-Bone

Q: What type of monster loves dance music?
A: The boogieman

Q: What’s a ghosts favorite fruit?
A: Booberries.

Q: Where do werewolves store their things?
A: In a were-house

Q: What kind of makeup do witches wear?
A: Mas-scare-a

Q: When does a ghost eat breakfast?
A: In the moaning.

Q: What do Italian ghosts eat for dinner?
A: Spookgetti

Q: Which of the witch’s friends was good at baseball?
A: The bat.

Q: Where do ghosts buy their milk and eggs?
A: At the ghost-ery store

Q: Where do spirits go to send their mail?
A: The ghost office.

Q: How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch

Q: What do you call a skeleton that sits around all day?
A: A lazy bone.

Q: Which room do ghost houses never have?
A: The living room.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite candy?
A: Suckers

Q: What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the prom?
A: He had no body to dance with.

Q: What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A: A boo-tie.

Q: Which building did the vampire visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: Which amusement park ride do ghosts like the most?
A: Roller ghosters.

Q: What do you call a witch in the desert?
A: The Sandwich.

Q: What is a ghost’s favorite dessert?
A: Ice-Scream.

Q: Where do ghosts like to swim?
A: The Dead sea.

Q: Why can’t you see a ghost’s mom and dad?
A: Because they’re transparents.

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: Who did Frankenstein take on a date?
A: His ghoul friend

Q: What was the ghosts favorite book?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet

Q: What do monkey ghosts like to eat?
A: Boonanas

Q: What kind of roads do spirits haunt?
A: Dead Ends

Q: Which sport do vampires like to play the most?
A: Bat-minton.

Q: How can you make a witch itch?
A: Take out the W.

Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: Bone appetit.

Q: Where position did the goblin play in soccer?
A: Ghoul-ie

Q: What was the ghost’s favorite party game?
A: Hide-and-go-shriek

Q: What does it take to become a zombie?
A: Deadication.

Q: What kind of car do zombies drive?
A: Monster trucks.

Q: Why did the zombie comedian get booed off the stage?
A: Because all the jokes he told where rotten.

Q: What did the French skeleton call his friend?
A: Bone ami.

Q: Who is the most famous French skeleton?
A: Napoleon bone-apart..

Holiday Jokes: Thanksgiving

Q: Why did pilgrims' pants always fall down?
A: Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat!

Q: Who isn't hungry on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey, because he's already stuffed!

Q: Who was the drummer in the Thanksgiving band?
A: The turkey, because he had the drumsticks!

Q: What type of key is not good for opening doors?
A: A Tur-key!

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The G 

Q: What is a turkey's faroite type of music?
A: Plymouth Rock

Q:What kind of tan did pilgrims get?
A: Puritan.

Q: What do comedians call thanksgiving?
A: Pranks-giving.

Q: What do vampires call Thanksgiving?
A: Fangs-giving.

Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY.

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
A: They use fowl language.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pilgrim with a cracker?
A: A Pilgraham.

Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
A: Quack, Quack, Quack.

Q: When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot.

Q: What did the baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where’s pop corn?

Q: What did the boy say when his Mom wanted his help to fix Thanksgiving dinner?
A: But I didn’t break it!

Q: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
A: Peach gobbler!

Q: Why did the cranberries turn red?
A: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

Q: What did the turkey say to the computer?
A: Google, google!

Q: What sound does a limping turkey make?
A: Wobble, wobble!