Holiday Jokes: Valentines

Valentine Jokes for Kids

Q: What kind of Valentine’s Day candy is never on time?
A: ChocoLATE

Q: What did Pilgrims give each other on Valentine’s Day?
A: Mayflowers

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Q: What food is crazy about Valentine’s Day chocolates?
A: A cocoa-nut.

Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day?
A: My heart beats for you.

Q: What do you call a very small Valentine?
A: A valentiny.

Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Valetine’s Day?
A: You mean a great dill to me.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you berry much.

Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Because they’re scent-imental.

Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweethearts.

Q: What did the girl bumble bee say to the boy bumble bee on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love bee-ing with you, Honey.

Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day?
A: I’m nuts about you.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re purrr-fect for me.

Q: What did the rabbit say to his sweetheart on Valentine’s Day?
A: Somebunny loves you.

Q: Why did they put the boy’s girlfriend in jail?
A: Because she stole his heart.

Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Whale you be mine?

Q. What did one volcano say to the other on Valentine’s Day?
A. I lava you.

Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you beary much.

Q: What did the painter say to his girlfriend?
A: “I love you with all my art.”

Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love ewe.

Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day?
A: You are bee-utiful.

Q: What did the girl sheep say to the boy sheep when he said “I love you”?
A: I love you baaaaaaack.

Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day?
A: Owl be yours.

Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re purr-fect for me.

Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Lets hang out.

Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you a ton.

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: What did one piece of string say to the other on February 14th?
A: “Be my valentwine.”

Q: What did the snail say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: By my valenslime

Q: What did one calculator say to the other on Valentine’s Day?
A: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Lots of hogs and kisses.

Q: What did one door bell say to the other on February 14th?
A: “Be my valenchime.”

Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s got heart.

Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?
A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.

Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day?
A: Cauliflowers.

Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
A: It was Valenswine’s Day.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Al
Al who?
Al be your Valentine if you’ll be mine.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alec.
Alec who?
Alec to hold to hand.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atlas
Atlas who?
Atlas, it’s Valentine’s Day.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Bea.
Bea who?
Bea my Valentine.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma hoping to by your Valentine.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to be my Valentine?

Holiday Jokes: Christmas

Q: How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
A: Only one – after that it’s not empty any more

Q: Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A: Because it’s in Decembrrrrrr

Q: When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary

Q: What do sheep say to each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to ewe

Q: Who says oh, oh, oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards

Q: Who delievers Christmas presents to cats?
A: Santa Claws

Q: What Christmas carol do they sing in the dessert?
A: Camel ye fathful

Q: What color Christmas candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
A: Neither – candles always burn shorter.

Q: What was the elf allergic to?
A: Sh-ELF-ish

Q: Which Christmas carol do parents like the most?
A: Silent Night

Q: What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A: A pineapple

Q: What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door

Q: What did the lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?
A: Sandy claws

Q: Why does Santa do in his garden?
A: He hoe hoe hoes

Q: What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas version has no L (noel)

Q: What do zombies put on their Christmas turkey?
A: Grave-y

Q: What kind of music do elves listen to?
A: Wrap

Q: Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A: They both drop needles

Q: What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
A: Snow

Q: What song do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle bells.

Q: What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
A: Santa Clues

Q: What is the #1 Christmas present?
A: A broken drum – you can’t beat it

Q. What rains at the North Pole?
A. Reindeer

Q. Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
A. RUDE-olph

Q. What is green, white, and red all over?
A. A sunburned elf

Q. What did the cow say on Christmas morning?
A. Mooooey Christmas

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve

Q: What did the reindeer sing to Santa on his birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow

Q: Why is a burning Christmas candle like being thirsty?
A: Because a little water ends both of them

Holiday Jokes: Halloween

Q: What do they teach in witching school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Which musical instrument do skeletons play?
A: Trom-Bone

Q: What type of monster loves dance music?
A: The boogieman

Q: What’s a ghosts favorite fruit?
A: Booberries.

Q: Where do werewolves store their things?
A: In a were-house

Q: What kind of makeup do witches wear?
A: Mas-scare-a

Q: When does a ghost eat breakfast?
A: In the moaning.

Q: What do Italian ghosts eat for dinner?
A: Spookgetti

Q: Which of the witch’s friends was good at baseball?
A: The bat.

Q: Where do ghosts buy their milk and eggs?
A: At the ghost-ery store

Q: Where do spirits go to send their mail?
A: The ghost office.

Q: How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch

Q: What do you call a skeleton that sits around all day?
A: A lazy bone.

Q: Which room do ghost houses never have?
A: The living room.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite candy?
A: Suckers

Q: What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the prom?
A: He had no body to dance with.

Q: What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A: A boo-tie.

Q: Which building did the vampire visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: Which amusement park ride do ghosts like the most?
A: Roller ghosters.

Q: What do you call a witch in the desert?
A: The Sandwich.

Q: What is a ghost’s favorite dessert?
A: Ice-Scream.

Q: Where do ghosts like to swim?
A: The Dead sea.

Q: Why can’t you see a ghost’s mom and dad?
A: Because they’re transparents.

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: Who did Frankenstein take on a date?
A: His ghoul friend

Q: What was the ghosts favorite book?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet

Q: What do monkey ghosts like to eat?
A: Boonanas

Q: What kind of roads do spirits haunt?
A: Dead Ends

Q: Which sport do vampires like to play the most?
A: Bat-minton.

Q: How can you make a witch itch?
A: Take out the W.

Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: Bone appetit.

Q: Where position did the goblin play in soccer?
A: Ghoul-ie

Q: What was the ghost’s favorite party game?
A: Hide-and-go-shriek

Q: What does it take to become a zombie?
A: Deadication.

Q: What kind of car do zombies drive?
A: Monster trucks.

Q: Why did the zombie comedian get booed off the stage?
A: Because all the jokes he told where rotten.

Q: What did the French skeleton call his friend?
A: Bone ami.

Q: Who is the most famous French skeleton?
A: Napoleon bone-apart..

Holiday Jokes: Thanksgiving

Q: Why did pilgrims' pants always fall down?
A: Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat!

Q: Who isn't hungry on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey, because he's already stuffed!

Q: Who was the drummer in the Thanksgiving band?
A: The turkey, because he had the drumsticks!

Q: What type of key is not good for opening doors?
A: A Tur-key!

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The G 

Q: What is a turkey's faroite type of music?
A: Plymouth Rock

Q:What kind of tan did pilgrims get?
A: Puritan.

Q: What do comedians call thanksgiving?
A: Pranks-giving.

Q: What do vampires call Thanksgiving?
A: Fangs-giving.

Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY.

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
A: They use fowl language.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pilgrim with a cracker?
A: A Pilgraham.

Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
A: Quack, Quack, Quack.

Q: When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot.

Q: What did the baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where’s pop corn?

Q: What did the boy say when his Mom wanted his help to fix Thanksgiving dinner?
A: But I didn’t break it!

Q: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
A: Peach gobbler!

Q: Why did the cranberries turn red?
A: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

Q: What did the turkey say to the computer?
A: Google, google!

Q: What sound does a limping turkey make?
A: Wobble, wobble!